Sometimes, after a long long long night, you wake up the next morning and stuff comes out your mouth that you’d never say or do. Call it ‘still drunk’, or maybe just shaking off the last few drops of reckless abandon that had been gushing the night before. Maybe the sober you really doesn't mean all the crap coming out of your mouth, but sometimes, every once in a while, the sober you thinks that what that other girl did was pretty ballsy, and pretty sassy. Pretty freaking brilliant.

No, I didn’t send my now ex-boyfriend’s name and home phone number to the relentless sales folks at Great Expectations dating service. I didn’t plant the bug in those good people’s ears about how much he rages when he’s bothered with anything before getting out of bed at 10:00. Still, whoever it was that did, I want you to know that your little joke is very touching to me (sniffsniff). When he accused me of doing it, I cringed in disgust for not having thought of it myself. I dedicate this blog to you.

So, this afternoon we had plans to lunch. To break up the tension of arranging lunch hour logistics, I try opening the conversation in prank-call style like we used to do in the olden days.

In a voice I pulled from deep inside…from the pit of my being, I conjured up the perkiest southern voice I could muster up at 9:30 am after waking up on a dance floor.

“HA PETER!”
“hey,?”
“PE-TER, THIS IS SHE-RYL FROM GREAT EXPECTATIONS. HOWER YOO?”
“Fine. Uh…”
“I AYEM SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT!”
“Uh... look someone else is on the other line…
“UH-HU?”
“…and I just clicked over, so.. uhm... can I call you back?”
“SURE!”

So, we hang up. I'm baffled. How did he know it was me? He calls me a minute later and we make plans to meet for lunch. Toward the end of our meal, I start complaining about how I can’t pull a prank call over on him. Even in my perkiest, brown nosing little voice. Well, it turns out, he did fall for it. I was then accused of setting up all the nasty Great Expectations torture calls.

The man I lived with for 6 months and then left. The one I said “I love you” to everyday of those six months and then dumped. I just prank called him like I was a dating service.

Heartless.
The sober me would never do such a shitty thing. Ever.

Totally worth it.